Thirty Years Under the Blade: Why Your Kid Hates You

The very air we breathe is thick with the pronouncements of those who claim dominion, their rigid ideologies a suffocating blanket. Headlines blare their gospel of conformity, leaving no space for the blossoming of difference, no room for the tender shoots of self to find the sun. And you stay silent, maybe you even agree. This stifling climate, queer children, already daring to chart their own course of being, are forced to bear the crushing weight of these imposed beliefs. The consequences are not mere inconveniences; they are deep wounds that fester and shape the very landscape of our adult lives. Mark my words, I'm thirty years into this struggle, and I know the bitter taste of this story.

One of the most brutal tools wielded by the forces of the right is the deliberate and wilful ignorance of our very nature. My brother, his voice etched with the weariness of shared struggle, spoke a truth that resonated with the force of a liberation. I was caught in the endless cycle of explaining the unchangeable core of my being to those who refused to see, while their acceptance remained a freely withheld choice. "They don't see your queerness as an unshakeable fact," he said, his voice low with a lifetime of understanding, "they see it as an opinion." Thirty years it took for that simple, devastating truth to finally break through the walls of denial. There would be no accepting of me.

My own early years were a battleground forged in the manipulative fires of a narcissistic parent, an immature authority figure constantly pitting the family against each other. This manufactured conflict bred a crippling codependency that shackled me until my late twenties, even shackles me now. It was a lifetime spent denying the undeniable, forcing myself into the suffocating constraints of imposed heterosexuality, seeking solace in connections that were ultimately barren or even actively abusive. Replaying the rejection of childhood, over and over.

For at the heart of their oppression lies a fundamental denial of our inherent selves. Queerness, in its glorious tapestry of sexual orientations and gender identities, is not a whimsical preference, a chosen affectation. It is an intrinsic part of our being, as natural as the beating of our hearts. Yet, they – the self-proclaimed guardians of order – peddle the lie that it is a "lifestyle choice," a moral transgression, a political deviation from their narrow, authoritarian path. This venomous viewpoint, the very lifeblood of their restrictive dogma, creates a suffocating environment where a child's nascent sense of self is not merely questioned but actively suppressed, deemed invalid, and condemned by the self-appointed moral arbiters.

Let us cast off this illusion once and for all: being queer is not a political opinion! Choosing a political faction is an act of the conscious mind, rooted in evolving experiences, a shifting understanding of the world, and a desire for a particular social arrangement. It is a decision that can, and often does, change as one's understanding deepens. Political affiliation is rightly not considered a protected characteristic because it resides in the realm of voluntary association.

In stark contrast, being queer is an immutable characteristic, as deeply ingrained as the color of our eyes or the shape of our hands. While the journey of self-discovery and acceptance may unfold at different rhythms for each of us, the underlying reality of our sexual orientation or gender identity is not a matter of conscious selection. To equate our very being with a political stance is a deliberate act of erasure, a denial of the inherent dignity and lived experiences of LGBTQ+ individuals. It subjects us to the tyranny of judgment and discrimination based on something we cannot, and should never have to, alter. This fundamental mischaracterization is the very foundation upon which the entire edifice of prejudice and harm against queer children within these authoritarian contexts is erected.

Furthermore, the unholy alliance between these rigid ideologies and the manipulative control of narcissistic parenting creates a breeding ground for deep and lasting emotional wounds in queer children. Narcissistic parents, those who demand absolute obedience, crave constant validation, and possess a chilling void where empathy should reside, find in these doctrines of authority a convenient justification for their own power. These ideologies, with their fetish for rigid gender roles and the patriarchal family structure, demonize any deviation, providing the narcissistic parent with the perfect weapon to isolate and dominate their queer child.

For a queer child trapped within the suffocating confines of a narcissistic parent steeped in these authoritarian beliefs, the development of debilitating codependency and gnawing anxiety is almost inevitable. The child learns, with brutal clarity, that their authentic self is not just unwelcome but a source of shame, a target for rejection and punishment. Survival becomes a matter of adopting codependent behaviors: a desperate, ceaseless pursuit of approval, a mimicry of the parent's toxic beliefs, and the complete suppression of their true identity. This constant tightrope walk, the perpetual fear of exposure and its consequences – be they emotional manipulation or outright abuse – breeds a chronic, soul-crushing anxiety that can poison their entire existence.

And the tendrils of this authoritarian poison reach far beyond the stolen years of childhood. Consider the following shackles we carry into adulthood:

• The Internal Prison of Oppression: The relentless barrage of negativity, the constant denial of our inherent worth, forces queer children to swallow the bitter pill of internalized homophobia and transphobia. We grow up waging a war within ourselves, battling feelings of self-hatred, shame, and a profound disorientation about who we are. This internal conflict festers into the wounds of depression, anxiety, and a deeply fractured sense of self.

• The Walls of Isolation: These authoritarian communities often function as closed systems, breeding grounds for suspicion and hostility towards anyone deemed "other." Queer children within these walls are starved of genuine connection, isolated from peers who might offer understanding and acceptance. They are actively discouraged from seeking solace or support beyond the tightly controlled confines of their family or community, deepening the chasm of loneliness and alienation.

• The Stifled Bloom of Self-Expression: The crushing pressure to conform to rigid gender roles and the imposed fiction of universal heterosexuality forces queer children to bury their true selves. This stifling of authentic expression breeds resentment, a gnawing sense of inauthenticity, and delays or even derails the vital journey of self-discovery.

• The Shadow of Abuse: In the darkest corners of this authoritarian landscape, these doctrines are twisted into justifications for the emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse of queer children. Under the guise of "guidance" or "correction," these vulnerable souls are subjected to horrific treatment, their fundamental rights denied, their very humanity stripped away.

• The Shackled Heart in Adulthood: The trauma of navigating a hostile childhood leaves deep scars on our capacity for healthy and trusting relationships in adulthood. The ingrained fear of rejection, the learned patterns of codependency, sabotage our intimate connections, leaving us vulnerable to further emotional exploitation.

• The Arduous Path to Self-Reclamation: Even those of us who manage to break free from the suffocating grip of our childhood environment face a long and arduous struggle to reclaim our stolen identities. Years of suppression leave a residue of internalized shame, making it difficult to connect with the queer community and fully embrace who we are.

• The Constant Threat of Prejudice: The mainstreaming of these authoritarian ideologies fuels a broader climate of intolerance and discrimination. Queer children raised in this environment learn early on that their very existence makes them targets, increasing their vulnerability to prejudice, harassment, and the ever-present threat of violence.

• The Toll on Body and Spirit: The chronic stress of navigating a hostile world, coupled with the weight of internalized stigma and the lack of support, takes a devastating toll on both our mental and physical well-being. We carry the burden of their imposed authority in our bodies and our minds.

• The Disorganized Attachment Style: The extremist parent's unpredictable rage, rigid and often hostile ideology directed at the child's identity, and manipulative tactics create a climate of fear and confusion. The child doesn't know what to expect, leading to a breakdown in predictable caregiver responses. Simultaneously, the enabler's passivity or complicity deprives the child of a secure base to turn to in times of distress. The very figure(s) who should offer safety are either the source of danger or fail to protect from it.

  This creates an unsolvable paradox for the child: their attachment figure is both a source of fear and the only potential source of safety. This contradictory experience prevents the development of a coherent attachment strategy. They may approach the caregiver seeking comfort, only to be met with rejection, hostility, or inconsistency.

  This leads to disorganized and contradictory behaviors, such as seeking closeness while simultaneously resisting it, appearing dazed or fearful, and lacking a consistent way of regulating emotions or seeking support. The child learns that their needs for safety and security are often unmet or met with danger, leading to a fundamental disruption in their ability to form healthy attachments later in life.

  
  

The wounds inflicted by the toxic intersection of these authoritarian ideologies and the experience of being a queer child are not superficial scratches; they are deep lacerations that demand not just pity but a fundamental restructuring of the very systems that allow such harm to flourish. We must dismantle the structures of authority that perpetuate this oppression, beginning with the unwavering assertion that our identities are not subject to the dictates of the powerful.

And let us not forget the insidious role of the enabler parent and the enabler children within this oppressive dynamic. They, through their complicity – their silence, their minimization, their active participation in upholding the extremist ideology and the narcissist's reign – become instruments of further torment for the child. The enabler parent, by prioritizing the distorted "peace" of the authoritarian family over the safety and well-being of their own child, sends a devastating message of abandonment. Similarly, enabler siblings, by aligning themselves with the dominant, harmful ideology and the narcissistic parent's agenda, create a hostile and isolating environment, reinforcing the queer child's status as the "other," deserving of exclusion and even abuse. Their actions, born of fear or a misguided desire for acceptance within a toxic system, inflict profound wounds of betrayal and a deep-seated sense of being fundamentally unlovable and unprotected within their own kin.

For a queer child forced to navigate life under the oppressive thumb of a narcissistic parent espousing these authoritarian beliefs, the development of codependency and anxiety is a predictable consequence. The child learns, with a painful clarity, that their authentic self is unacceptable, a source of shame and potential punishment. To survive, they learn to suppress their true nature, constantly seeking the fleeting approval of the oppressor by mirroring their beliefs and desires. This perpetual performance, this constant vigilance against exposure, breeds a chronic anxiety that can shadow their entire existence.

The struggle for liberation is not merely a matter of polite discourse; it is a fundamental challenge to the very structures of authority that seek to define and control our lives. We, the survivors of this ideological war, know the truth etched into our very beings. Our childhoods were not merely difficult; they were stolen by the deliberate actions and beliefs of those who sought to deny our inherent humanity. We must rise, not with meek appeals, but with the unwavering conviction that a world free from the shackles of imposed authority is not only possible but essential. A world where the vibrant tapestry of human identity is celebrated, not suppressed, and where the long shadow of authoritarian dogma is finally shattered by the radiant dawn of true freedom.